6 Ways To Cope With Grief During The Holidays

Woman prepares holiday meal - grief - Nashville Psych

6 Ways To Cope With Grief During The Holidays

The loss of a loved one can hurt no matter what time of year. However, for many, the holiday season brings a kind of emotional pressure. Lights go up, music plays in every store, and conversations shift toward plans, gatherings, and traditions. While some are experiencing warmth, connection, and celebration, others may be feeling heavier with grief. 

Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. When we are grieving, a scheduled season of joy is irrelevant. In fact, it can grow louder during the holidays because the season highlights what and who is missing. It can feel significantly more difficult than expected. 

Managing Conflicting Feelings

Perhaps we feel love for the people around us while also feeling the weight of a deep loss. We may want to participate while also wanting to withdraw. We may feel moments of joy that surprise us, immediately followed by sadness that catches us off guard.

During this time it is essential that we slow down, notice what we are carrying, and treat ourselves with the kindness we would offer our own loved ones. 

Why Grief Intensifies During the Holidays

We know that grief does not sit only in the mind. It is stored in our bodies, our senses, and in our memories. Holiday traditions often include rituals that connect us to people we have loved. A simple familiar smell, sound, or the taste of a specific recipe can bring us back to a feeling we had with a lost loved one. These sensory cues can stir memories that feel tender or painful.

The holidays also gather people together. When we see families, couples, or groups celebrating, it can magnify the ache of our own loss. We may long for the person who is no longer with us or miss the version of ourselves who felt more grounded or joyful in the past. We may face the difficult reality that life has changed in a way that we did not choose. It can make us feel powerless, resentful, and emotionally exhausted. 

The season can also bring pressure. We may fear being judged for not appearing cheerful or centered. It can feel tempting to hide our grief to avoid feeling like we are making others uncomfortable. This emotional masking can intensify the pain because it leaves little room for honesty. When we cannot speak of our grief, it has nowhere to go.

Grief Is Not Only About Losing a Person

Grief can take many forms. Some people grieve for someone who has died. Others grieve a relationship that changed or ended. Some grieve the loss of health, stability, or identity. Others may grieve a childhood they did not receive. This can be especially apparent when spending time with our families of origin during holiday gatherings. 

The holidays often stir these kinds of grief because the season (and social media) is filled with images of closeness, generosity, and celebration. When our inner world does not match those images, the gap can feel enormous.

We may grieve the family we wanted but never had. We may grieve for the holidays we imagined for our children but could not create. We may grieve a former version of ourselves. We may also grieve a sense of belonging that was once present but now feels distant. 

All of these forms of grief deserve acknowledgement. They are valid and deeply human.

Why Grief Comes in Waves

Many people worry when grief returns around the holidays. They think they should be “over it” by now. They wonder why the sadness is still present. The truth is: grief is not something we finish. We don’t graduate from it; rather, it changes shape over time, but it does not disappear. Holidays, anniversaries, and sensory reminders can activate grief in ways that feel sudden and confusing.

We like to remind clients that feelings, like grief, come in waves. Like the ocean, some days the water is calm, while other times it rises without warning. We cannot control the waves, nor should we try to. The goal is to accept its ever-changing nature and make peace with the fact that nothing is permanent. 

It is normal to feel a resurgence of sadness. It is normal to find ourselves crying in unexpected moments. It is normal to feel angry, numb, tender, or overwhelmed. These emotional waves are not a sign of weakness; rather, they are signs that our love and our memories still live within us.

How to Create Space for Grief During the Holidays

One of the most supportive ways to move through grief (or any other difficult emotion) during the holidays is to allow the grief to be present. We do not need to push it away. In fact, doing so would be more harmful. We do not need to hide it. Our grief often softens when it is given room to breathe.

Here are some recommended ways to allow ourselves to make peace with your grief: 

Let yourself feel what you feel.

You are allowed to cry, to feel numb, to feel angry or frustrated, or to feel joy without guilt. Try to accept the fact that you will experience a wide range of emotions and that’s ok. You can notice them without judgment. If this is challenging, try doing a guided Self-Compassion meditation with Kristin Neff. 

Talk about the person or experience you miss.

Many people avoid talking about their loved one because they worry it will upset others. In reality, speaking their name and sharing memories can be comforting. It keeps their presence alive in a meaningful way. The best thing that could happen is you feel freer and more connected to the people around you. The worst thing that could happen is that someone becomes impatient with you, which would be more of a reflection of their own challenges than yours. Consider who might be a better listener, if you find that someone isn’t as warm and accepting as you’d like. 

Find rituals that honor your grief.

Rituals create structure and intention and can be really grounding. Examples include lighting a candle, writing a letter, preparing a favorite dish, or taking a quiet moment in the morning to reflect. Rituals do not erase grief, but they offer it a place to rest.

Allow flexibility.

Give yourself a break! You do not have to maintain every tradition. You can adjust your plans based on your emotional capacity. You can skip gatherings that feel too painful. You can create new traditions that feel more aligned with where you are now. Do whatever feels good to you right now. 

Support your body and nervous system. 

It may surprise you that grief affects the nervous system. You may notice physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, irritability, tension, or changes in appetite or sleep. These symptoms are normal. Your body is carrying an emotional load. However, it is important to slow your pace, build in pockets of rest, nourish yourself, and ground your body (and mind). Grief can be really draining so rest and self-care should not be considered optional. It’s essential to healing. Give yourself permission to move at a gentler speed.

Reach for connection

Even a single supportive conversation can help ease the weight. You do not need to process everything alone. This can only lead to further isolation and suffering. If you are finding it difficult to connect with others, we encourage you to seek out professional help, even if just temporarily. Feeling connected to those around you can make a significant difference in your healing. 

Navigating Social Pressure During a Season of Celebration

One of the hardest parts of grieving during the holidays is the pressure to perform. You may feel obligated to smile, to participate, or to reassure others that you are doing fine. This emotional labor can feel heavy.

However, you are allowed (and encouraged, by us!) to be honest. You can say, “This is a hard season for me,” “I am doing the best I can today,” “I need a break,” or “I am going to sit out this year.” You do not need to pretend you are okay to make others more comfortable.

The Importance of Self Compassion

Grief often brings self judgment. At times, you may criticize yourself for feeling sad or for not having more energy. You may believe you should be further along in your healing. These thoughts can make grief heavier.

Self compassion is one of the most powerful tools out there. It means offering yourself the same kindness you would offer a friend in pain. It means reminding yourself that grief is not a flaw. It is an expression of love. It means allowing yourself to be human. Self compassion can remind you to be patient with your healing. 

When to Seek Additional Support

Grief is natural. Most people find that with time, support, and self compassion, they can move through the waves with more steadiness. However, professional support can make the journey feel significantly less isolating.

Therapy (and/or medication) can help when grief is:

Reaching out for help is not a sign that you are failing at grief. It is a sign that you are prioritizing your wellbeing.

Progress, Not Perfection

There will be ups and downs. There is no perfect way to overcome grief – and the holidays can make it feel even harder, during seemingly random moments. However, grief can also lead us to connect with others in ways we previously haven’t. It can teach us how to truly care for ourselves. No matter how you are feeling, your experience is valid and worthy of care.

You do not have to get through the holidays perfectly. You only have to move through them at a pace that feels gentle and comfortable for you. If this season feels heavy, you do not have to carry it alone. Support is available, and healing is possible. We invite you to reach out via email, phone, or set up a time to talk to our client care team to learn more.