Kids’ Secret Messages: Understanding Your Child’s Negative Behaviors

When a child displays challenging behaviors, it can naturally be very overwhelming and frustrating for parents. Yet, by identifying and understanding the causes of the negative behaviors, parents can take action to resolve them or to prevent them from happening in the first place.

Why A Child Might Act Out

There are several reasons why a child may act out, the first of which is to get their parents’ attention. Many parents are overworked, plugged in 24/7 and struggle to find time to really sit down with their children and play. As a result, the child can seek out attention in negative ways. For example, when a child asks a parent to do something that the child is capable of doing independently, this is attention-seeking behavior. If the child knows how to get dressed without assistance and asks for help putting on clothes, this is attention-seeking behavior. If a parent is on the phone for three minutes and the child is interrupting with questions for the entire time, this is attention-seeking behavior.

Resolving Attention-Seeking Behavior

When a child displays attention-seeking behavior, parents feel annoyed. The best way to resolve this issue is to proactively give undivided attention to the child for a predictable amount of time at a predictable time. For example, parents may want to dedicate 10-15 minutes per day after school and before dinner to playing with their child. It can be a board game, hitting a ball, taking a walk or whatever else the child wants to play (within reason). For most families, taking this step will greatly increase the child’s sense of significance and reduce negative attention-seeking behaviors.

Control-Seeking Behavior

If attention-seeking behavior doesn’t help a child get more attention from their parents, the child may begin to display control-seeking behavior. When a child lacks a sense of personal power or significance, they will seek out control over their environment. Control-seeking behavior may include trying to dictate how everyone in the family behaves or engaging in a power struggle. Contrasted with attention-seeking behavior which will stop when parents’ give the child attention, controlling behavior doesn’t stop when parents tell their child to stop; in fact, these situations tend to escalate.

Redistributing Control

When control-seeking behavior is displayed, parents often feel angry and resentful. The focus can become about winning instead of resolving the underlying issue. The best way to address this type of negative behavior is to create an environment with choices so the child feels they can control their environment. Of course, parents set up the choices, preferably limiting the number of choices to two. If the child is given two choices and doesn’t make a choice, parents can make it clear that these are the only two choices and give them one more chance to make a choice. Ultimately, if the child doesn’t respond, the parents can make the choice on the child’s behalf.

If parents know for sure that their child will not like either option, it’s best not to use this approach. It’s important to set up the child to succeed and feel in control by offering choices only when parents are confident that the child will select an option. If they aren’t confident, it’s best that the parents sit down with the child to discuss options, by saying, “I need your help in deciding what we should do next. This is what I’m thinking…what are your ideas?” Then, parents are encouraged to select a couple of options that suit them from the child’s ideas (within reason) and have the child make a choice.

Non-negotiable decisions include basics like going to sleep on time, attending school, brushing teeth, etc. A child may not be able to choose their bed time, but they may be able to decide what they want to do 10 minutes prior to going to sleep. A child may not be able to decide to skip school, but they can decide what they want to wear.

Typically, the more opportunity for decision-making by the child, the less controlling behaviors will be displayed. The child will have an increased sense of personal power and an increased confidence in being able to deal with things.

Anxiety & Control In Children

However, sometimes the child is displaying controlling behaviors for other reasons, such as if they are struggling with anxiety. When a child suffers from anxiety, they feel safe when things are predictable and they feel like they have control over the things around them. Offering choices is still a helpful approach for a child with anxiety.

When attention-seeking and control-seeking behaviors don’t work for children, they lack a feeling of personal power, significance and belonging. This often results in hurtful, revenge-seeking behavior. Children may feel like “I can’t control you, but I can hurt you.” An example of this is doing something that they know will hurt your feelings. For example, when a child tells a teacher that their parents abuse them when it’s not true – or when a child breaks or steals a treasured object. They do this only because they know it will hurt you.

Revenge-seeking behaviors often make parents feel confused. Why, after all, would anybody, especially your child purposely do something to hurt you? To address this, parents need to think about how they may have overlooked the two previous issues (lack of attention and lack of control) and try to fix them.

These more extreme types of negative behaviors are a clear sign that there could be some larger mental health issues, such as an attachment disorder or antisocial personality disorder, which is at the extreme end of the spectrum and is caused by individuals who have had significant trauma and issues with attachment for a long time.

Why Parents Do What They Do

Some parents are overprotective, which can lead to a child feeling like their parent doesn’t think they are capable. Other parents give children much less help and guidance, leading the children to feel like they aren’t important to their parents. So much of how parents raise their children is the result of what they experienced as a child. Did they feel ignored? They are more likely to be overprotective. Were they heavily monitored, they may want to give their child excessive freedom. Trying to achieve a perfect balance in parenting is very difficult.

Overall, child therapy and family therapy can be beneficial for parents wanting to resolve any of these three types of negative behaviors. Children are very dependent on their parents and are deeply impacted by how a parent intentionally or unintentionally makes them feel. If you or someone you know would like support with finding a better balance, feel free to reach out to schedule an appointment at clientcare@nashvillepsych.com.

Until next time,

Olesya

Olesya Leskel, LPC, MHSP

Licensed Psychotherapist