10 Lessons Everyone (Especially People-Pleasers) Can Learn From The “We Do Not Care Club”
10 Lessons Everyone (Especially People-Pleasers) Can Learn From The “We Do Not Care Club”
There’s a new kind of honesty circulating online – and it’s coming from adult women. With humor, authenticity, and relatability, Melani Sanders, a 45-year-old mother of three, created the “We Do Not Care Club.” She created the club to support women going through perimenopause and menopause. She says, “we are putting the world on notice that we simply do not care much anymore.” Then she shares announcements, which starts with a list of things the members no longer care about and ends with an invitation to all members to add new items to the running list.
For example, on brain fog, user mrsbekm on Instagram shared, “We do not care if we called you by your name, the dog’s name, or our childhood bffs name. You know who we are talking to…” We know many people who can relate to this one!
On social conformity, the actress and comedian Jenna Fischer shared, “We do not care if we put on black underwear with white pants. We didn’t know we were going to put on white pants when we put on the black underwear and we aren’t changing it now. The pants are already on.”
It’s funny, yes. But it’s also something more. It’s a cultural sigh of relief, a reclaiming of grace, and most importantly a declaration that the human experience, especially the hormonal, emotional, and messy parts, is not something to fix, but something to honor.
We would argue that while the trend began as a humorous reflection of perimenopause and midlife changes, its message transcends age, gender, and life stage. Beneath the laughter is a quiet revolution, rooted in self-compassion, nervous system acceptance, and emotional growth. Whether we are self-identified people pleasers or not, there’s so much wisdom here.
Here are 10 things the “We Do Not Care Club” can teach all of us (and especially people-pleasers) about being human.
1. The Power of Permission
At its core, the “We Do Not Care” movement is about permission. Members are giving themselves the freedom to be imperfect without apology.
For many, perimenopause magnifies this truth. Hormones fluctuate, sleep becomes unpredictable, memory challenges, and emotions surge like tides. It’s easy to feel betrayed by our own bodies or to judge ourselves for not being who we once were.
The moment we say, “We do not care,” what we’re really saying is, “We are allowed to be human.” That permission is radical. Most of us have been trained to behave competently, to stay composed, and to measure our worth through productivity and polish. The “We Do Not Care” voice says: You can stop performing now. You’re still enough.
That lesson extends far beyond hormonal shifts. Most people can relate in some way, for example teenagers learning to navigate changing bodies, men adjusting to burnout or emotional suppression, parents feeling stretched thin. Therapists, teachers, leaders, caretakers and anyone who has ever felt they should be doing a better job can likely relate to this.
With permission, we can say, “no,” rest, forget things, sometimes fall apart, and still be whole.
2. Humor as Healing
There’s a reason so many of these posts make people laugh out loud. There’s truth to the absurdity of the pressure we put on ourselves. Thankfully, humor is one of the most regulating, restorative tools we have. Humor doesn’t dismiss our pain. It just lets some light in.
When we laugh about our forgetfulness, our brain fog, and our “Did I already take my supplements or not?” moments, we reclaim power from shame. Humor can shift our nervous systems from threat to safety. Laughter can lead to connection with others experiencing the same thing. For those in perimenopause, this humor carries extra weight. There’s often an invisible loneliness that comes with physical and emotional changes. By making light of the everyday chaos, people create shared relief.
We believe that the lesson is universal: when we use gentle humor to name the parts of ourselves that feel inconvenient or embarrassing, we reduce their grip. In therapy, this might look like laughing softly at an old coping pattern. We are not talking about mocking ourselves; simply chuckling with compassion. The laughter reminds us that we’ve been human this whole time.
3. The End of Over-Explaining
Many of us, especially self-proclaimed people-pleasers, have found ourselves giving a ten point thesis on why we can’t say “yes” to something. The “We Do Not Care Club” doesn’t just reject perfection; it also rejects over-explaining. There’s a quiet, dignified power in saying, “we do not care if we need a nap,” “we do not care if we don’t want to go out tonight,” or “we do not care if someone doesn’t understand our boundaries.”
There’s no more justification, defense, or a need to be seen as “reasonable.” When we stop over-explaining, we begin to live from authenticity rather than a need for approval. Those of us with people-pleasing tendencies feel compelled to try to make everyone comfortable, smooth the edges, and explain every choice. Over time, this can lead to deep fatigue.
This lesson, too, can apply to everyone, including teenagers learning to set boundaries with peers, adults navigating workplace burnout, and parents learning to say “no” without guilt. Healthy detachment, rooted in self-respect, not indifference, helps us take more space without wasting our energy justifying our need for peace. Yes, please!
4. Compassion for Our Biology
For those navigating perimenopause, the “We Do Not Care Club” is also a humorous love letter to biology, full of understanding rather than judgment. Hormones affect mood, cognition, temperature, sleep, and energy. Fluctuating estrogen levels can alter neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, leading to changes in focus, motivation, and even confidence.
When someone says, “We do not care if we can’t remember what we were saying,” it’s not denial. It is accepting what happens to us scientifically. Also, it’s important to note that the nervous system, endocrine system, and emotional system are deeply intertwined. A dysregulated hormone isn’t a moral flaw; it’s a physiological signal.
Learning to meet the body with curiosity, rather than criticism, is a skill that serves us in every stage of life. In addition to perimenopausal and menopausal women, this includes athletes recovering from injury, teens managing hormonal surges, men adjusting to changing testosterone levels, and anyone facing illness, disability, or the unpredictability of aging. Compassion for our bodies is key to self acceptance.
5. Community as Regulation
As humans, we are hardwired to connect. There’s something deeply healing about realizing we’re not the only one who feels this way. That’s why online humor about perimenopause, midlife fatigue, and brain fog resonates so powerfully. It transforms isolation into belonging. Melani now has a huge online following for a reason.
The “We Do Not Care Club” isn’t really about not caring. Instead, it’s about collective caring. It’s a shared exhale and a reminder that what we’re going through isn’t weird, weak, or unique; rather, it’s all part of the human experience.
This mirrors one of the most powerful mechanisms of therapy: co-regulation. Our nervous systems heal in relationships. When someone else says, “that resonates with me too,” our bodies receive that as safety. That principle doesn’t just apply to women or midlife. It applies to every person who’s ever thought they were supposed to keep it together alone. The antidote to shame isn’t perfection; maybe it’s connection. This is the perfect time to remind you of why we love group therapy.
6. Redefining The Meaning Of Strength
For generations, “strength” has meant endurance. Someone we perceive as strong is someone who perseveres, pushes through, stays calm, and does it all. The We Do Not Care Club offers a redefinition: Strength is showing up honestly. Strength is knowing when you’ve reached your limit, even if you formerly thrived as a people-pleaser. Strength is letting yourself be seen authentically.
In therapy, we often help people differentiate between resilience and numbing. True resilience doesn’t mean avoiding hard feelings; it means feeling them safely, with support. When someone posts something along the lines of, “We do not care if we’re emotional lately,” they’re reclaiming that resilience. They’re expressing that they are not broken. They are simply human. We all experience intense emotions. We are not machines, after all.
Whether we are learning emotional regulation, starting to express vulnerability, or setting boundaries to protect our peace, we can embody strength in healthy ways.
7. The Art of Letting Go Of Impossible Standards
There’s an almost meditative wisdom in the phrase “we do not care.” Not because it signals indifference, but because it reflects non-attachment. We are letting go of the stories that make us suffer or no longer serve us.
It’s healthy to admit that it’s ok to not be 100% productive. It’s ok if we don’t have a perfect body. We can show up authentically imperfect. Each “we do not care” moment is a small act of detachment, releasing the need to be perfect, to be in control, or to constantly measure up. This echoes mindfulness teachings found in Buddhism and many other traditions: when we release the grip of expectation, our peace can expand. In therapy, we might call this radical acceptance, the practice of acknowledging reality without resistance. It’s not resignation; it’s freedom.
Anyone no matter what age or gender can practice this art. It means letting go of the story that we must earn rest, letting go of the idea that productivity equals worth, and letting go of the fear that our feelings make us weak.
8. Reclaiming Self-Compassion as Power
The “We Do Not Care Club” is not cynical. It’s not lazy. It’s deeply compassionate and powerful. When we become aware of times when we judge ourselves, we can reclaim energy once spent on shame. That energy can then be redirected toward healing, creativity, connection, and joy. Self-compassion makes us sustainable. We care differently when we stop caring destructively.
This applies to everyone. A young professional learning to silence their inner critic. A parent forgiving themselves for snapping at their child. A man learning to extend the same understanding to himself that he offers others.
The way we speak to ourselves, especially when we’re tired, hormonal, grieving, or lost, matters. When we lean into the ethos of the “We Do Not Care Club,” we’re really saying that we are done with self-punishment – and choose kindness instead.
9. A New Model of Aging
Culturally, perimenopause and menopause have long been framed as decline, a quiet fading of relevance or vitality. The humor and wisdom of the “We Do Not Care Club” trend flips that script. What if midlife isn’t the end of something, but the beginning of liberation? As estrogen dips, boundaries rise. As our patience for nonsense fades, we learn to care less about other people’s opinions. When we have less energy, our priorities become clearer.
In therapy, we use great change as an opportunity to recalibrate. The body’s changes invite us to be more emotionally honest. The slowing down can lead to more reflection. The heat, the fog, and the unpredictability can lead to an important transformation. Perhaps we become who we were always meant to be, more truly ourselves than ever before.
For those outside this season, it’s still a lesson worth absorbing: our worth is not dependent on youth, productivity, or control. We are inherently worthy – and become more interesting, grounded, and authentic with time.
10. Caring Differently, Not Less
Perhaps the most misunderstood part of the “We Do Not Care Club” is its name. Of course we care! We care deeply. We care about rest, balance, and boundaries. People-pleasers and others care about relationships that feel mutual. We care about living authentically, rather than performatively. We just don’t care about the noise anymore. We don’t care about impossible standards, constant comparison, and the pressure to look effortless while doing the impossible.
In that sense, “We Do Not Care” is really “We Care Better.” It’s an evolution from proving to being and from striving to allowing. When we care differently, we stop measuring ourselves by what the world demands and start measuring by what feels aligned. And that evolution is available to everyone, at every stage.
What We Can All Learn From WDNC
In the end, we can all apply these lessons to our lives. In a world that thrives on overwork, comparison, and curated perfection, the “We Do Not Care” movement feels revolutionary.
We also want to note that while we see the truth and humor in a lot of the content shared online from so-called members of the club, we recognize that humor, even when it’s meant to be lighthearted, can sometimes miss the mark or feel dismissive to those who are hurting. We don’t condone humor that shames, stereotypes, or minimizes anyone’s experience. What we hope to do here is take the good from the “We Do Not Care Club,” and use it as a doorway to deeper compassion. Beneath the jokes and memes is a powerful truth about self-acceptance and emotional growth, which we believe is definitely worth amplifying.
If you are looking to incorporate some of the lessons we’ve shared into your own life and would like a little guidance, we are here for you. We invite you to call or email our Client Care team or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn more about how we can support you on your journey.