Social Anxiety: “Just Be Vulnerable” and Why It’s Not That Easy
It’s holiday time again and with that comes many opportunities to be around people. For many, this is a wonderful gift to be able to connect with others. For others, it can be a mixed bag. After COVID lockdown, many of us experienced social atrophy, as we weren’t used to spending time, in person, with other humans other than our immediate families. That along with our increased use and dependence on technology to communicate, can definitely impact how much social anxiety we experience when faced with in-person interactions.
Vulnerability, which refers to emotional openness, has been kind of a buzzword in counseling and psychology communities – and has transcended therapy rooms and emerged into popular culture. If you’ve ever seen an episode of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, you’ve heard the word “vulnerability” tossed around quite a bit. It makes sense because within the context of a relationship, sharing emotions is one of the main ingredients of intimacy and love. I personally find that in my work with therapy clients, the more someone removes their defenses and reveals their authentic selves, the greater my compassion and empathy becomes for him or her. However, vulnerability is not always easy and, for good reason, does not always feel safe.
With social anxiety, everything from a date or an interview to a party or informal social gathering feels like a performance and the biggest fear for individuals is that they will be judged negatively. Therefore, the last thing someone wants to do is to be “vulnerable” to a rejection or negative attack on his or her self-esteem. At the same time, in order to engage meaningfully in social relationships, a focus on connecting is more beneficial than an emphasis on performance.
A Common Affliction
Switching the focus from performance to connection does not resolve the issue of anxiety because whether we know it or not, we have all been hurt during the course of our lives. Our early experiences have likely taught us several negative messages about being open and using our voices to share our deepest truths. Every story that I hear in the therapy room is unique, but many share the same result. For example, it is well known that for adult children of alcoholics, the implied family rules are 1) Don’t talk, 2) Don’t feel and 3) Don’t trust. Adult children of depressed parents carry the message that they will be ignored or that they are a burden if they assert their emotional wants and needs. Adult children of borderline or narcissistic parents tend to disown their own emotions in favor of their parents’ emotions.
Accept The Fear
Therefore, for many of us, we are rightly not vulnerable in our relationships. We are afraid to connect and we have learned how to protect ourselves from the emotional pain found in our childhoods. We might not even know what it would look like if we were to take big risks now but just imagining that can be very scary. That fear of being devastatingly rejected is something important to acknowledge before we begin to search for our true selves.
Increase Awareness
Once we begin to accept that fear may be part of that process, we can begin to take small, calculated interpersonal risks. This may begin with simply acknowledging to ourselves that we feel connected to someone or someone else frustrated or disappointed us, rather than sitting in silence and/or automatically judging ourselves. Noticing our emotions with others can be the first step in making significant changes in our relationships.
Take Small Steps
Becoming aware of opportunities to share our emotions can come next in increasing vulnerability. It is important in this process just to notice the opportunities and to imagine what it would be like to share. Gradually, you might cultivate the courage to take a small risk. I usually tell my clients that they ought to start with the risk that has the lowest stakes. This really depends on the individual because some find it more risky to talk to loved ones and others find it more intimidating to talk to strangers. One individual who may be the best of both worlds is your therapist.
Consider Group Therapy
Another great way to help individuals increase their comfort with risk-taking and being vulnerable in relationships is group therapy. Our relationship behaviors are largely shaped by our interactions in groups (with families), so it makes sense that having positive interactions in a therapy group can be tremendously validating and healing for those who are stuck or wounded in terms of how they function in relationships.
If you would like to get involved in a therapy group or if you desire individual therapy, and you live in the Nashville area, please do not hesitate to contact us at clientcare@nashvillepsych.com. Thanks for reading!
Take good care,
Daniel Goldstein, PhD
