What Is Relational Life Therapy? A Different Kind of Couples Counseling

What Is Relational Life Therapy? A Different Kind of Couples Counseling

One person brings something up. The other hears it as criticism. One pushes harder to be heard while the other shuts down, gets defensive, or leaves the conversation. Before long, the original issue has almost disappeared, but both people walk away feeling frustrated, misunderstood, or alone. 

If this sounds familiar, the problem may not be what you are arguing about.  It may be the pattern you keep falling into together. 

Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is a couples counseling approach designed to help partners recognize these repeating patterns, understand where they come from, and learn how to respond to each other differently. 

Rather than focusing only on resolving the argument in front of you, RLT looks at what keeps happening between you – and what each person can do to help change it. What is Relational Life Therapy?

Relational Life Therapy, often called RLT, is a model of couples therapy developed by therapist and author Terry Real. 

RLT is known for being active and direct. The therapist does not simply observe the relationship from the sidelines. They help couples identify what is happening between them, understand how each partner is contributing to the pattern, and practice healthier ways of communicating and relating.  One of the ideas at the heart of RLT is that most of us learned ways of handling closeness, conflict, disappointment, and vulnerability long before we entered our current relationship.

Some of us learned to fight hard to be heard. Others learned to withdraw when emotions became intense. Some learned to keep everyone happy, avoid conflict, or put our own needs aside. Others learned that being right, staying in control, or not showing vulnerability helped us feel safer. 

These strategies often developed for understandable reasons. However, what once helped us protect ourselves can create problems in an adult relationship. This is especially true when our protective strategies collide with our partner’s.

RLT helps couples understand those patterns while also learning another way of relating: one that makes room for honesty, accountability, self-respect, empathy, and repair.

How RLT Understands Relationship Patterns

RLT pays close attention to what happens when we lose our sense of connection and equality with our partner. Terry Real describes two common positions people can move into during conflict.

In a one-down position, we may see ourselves as less important, make ourselves small, avoid asking for what we need, or take too much responsibility for keeping the relationship peaceful. In a one-up position, we may become self-righteous, dismissive, controlling, contemptuous, or convinced that our partner is the problem. Most of us are capable of moving into either position depending on the situation.

Neither position makes genuine connection easy. RLT aims to help partners return to what it describes as a more equal relationship. The goal is for people to value themselves, respect the other person, speak honestly, and take responsibility for their own behavior.

RLT also uses the idea of the adaptive child to describe the protective ways of responding that we learned earlier in life and may still rely on when we feel hurt, criticized, ignored, rejected, or overwhelmed.

You may recognize this experience: your partner says or does something relatively small, but your reaction feels surprisingly big. You become defensive, shut down, lash out, overexplain, try desperately to fix things, or feel like a much younger version of yourself.

RLT helps us become more aware of these reactions so we have more choice about what happens next. We explore a similar idea in our blog about what we can learn from how we show up in relationships.

 

What happens in an RLT session

Early in the work, your therapist will want to understand both your concerns and the pattern that has developed between you They may  ask what brought you to couples counseling now,  how each of you understands the problem, what you have already tried, and, what typically happens when conflict or distance develops.  

Your therapist may also ask about your earlier relationships and experiences. They do this to build understanding about why certain moments may feel especially threatening, painful, or difficult for each of you. 

From there, RLT is often active and experiential. 

Your therapist may: 

One of the things that distinguishes RLT is its emphasis on both understanding and action. Knowing why you react a certain way can be enormously helpful. Yet, insight alone does not always change what happens when you are hurt, angry, scared, or overwhelmed.

RLT helps couples understand the pattern and then practice doing something different. For a closer look at the model, read Three Steps to a Better Relationship with Relational Life Therapy.

 

Who Might Benefit From Relational Life Therapy?

There is no single type of couple who is right for RLT. That said, the approach may especially appeal to couples who want a therapist who will be engaged, honest, and willing to help them look closely at what happens between them.

RLT may be worth considering if you:

RLT can also be used with couples experiencing significant distress or longstanding patterns. Whether it is appropriate depends less on how much conflict exists and more on the nature of the relationship, each person’s circumstances, and whether couples therapy is a safe and appropriate place to begin.

For example, when there is ongoing violence or coercive control, couples therapy may not be the safest starting point. There are also circumstances in which one or both partners may benefit from individual support before or alongside couples work. Our blog on why couples sometimes benefit from individual therapy before couples counseling dives more deeply into this.

 

RLT vs. Gottman vs. EFT: What Is The Difference? 

If you have been looking for a couples therapist, you may have come across several different approaches, including Relational Life Therapy, the Gottman Method, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

There is overlap among these approaches, and therapists may integrate ideas from more than one model. The differences are often less about which approach is “best” and more about what each one emphasizes.

The Gottman Method

The Gottman Method grew out of decades of research on couple relationships and patterns associated with relationship satisfaction and distress. The approach emphasizes areas such as friendship, fondness and admiration, communication, conflict management, emotional connection, and creating shared meaning. Couples may learn specific strategies for navigating conflict and strengthening the overall relationship.

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, is rooted in attachment theory. EFT helps couples recognize the emotional cycle they become caught in and understand the attachment needs, fears, and vulnerabilities underneath their reactions. The work often focuses on helping partners respond to one another in ways that create more emotional safety and connection.

Relational Life Therapy

RLT also looks closely at repeating relationship patterns, but it places particular emphasis on personal accountability, the protective strategies each partner brings into the relationship, and the behaviors happening between partners in the present. 

An RLT therapist may be more explicit in naming behavior that is harming the relationship and helping each person examine what they need to change. At the same time, RLT explores where those protective strategies came from and teaches concrete relational skills so couples can practice responding differently. 

These approaches do not have to be mutually exclusive. Many couples therapists draw from multiple models depending on the people they are working with and what the relationship needs.

Finding a therapist whose approach makes sense to both of you, and with whom you both feel able to do difficult work, is a good starting point. 

 

Relational Life Therapy in Nashville

At Nashville Psych, we offer Relational Life couples counseling alongside other approaches to couples therapy. We have several therapists who use RLT, including Dr. Mark Simpson, who is certified in Relational Life Therapy. Learn more about how RLT became part of our work in this blog.

We offer couples therapy in person in Nashville, online across Tennessee, and in 41 PSYPACT states. Our couples therapy page explains more about our clinicians and the approaches we use.

If you are wondering whether RLT, or another approach to couples therapy, may be a good fit for your relationship, we invite you to schedule a free 15-minute call with our Client Care team. We’ll ask about what you are looking for and help you find a therapist and approach that fits your needs.

 

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Daniel Goldstein, Ph.D.

Frequently Asked Questions About Relational Life Therapy

What does RLT stand for in therapy?

RLT stands for Relational Life Therapy, a couples therapy model developed by Terry Real. It focuses on recognizing repeating relationship patterns, understanding the experiences and protective strategies that contribute to them, taking responsibility for our own behavior, and learning healthier ways to communicate and connect.

Is Relational Life Therapy evidence-based?

Research specifically evaluating Relational Life Therapy is still developing. RLT is an established clinical model that draws from ideas found across relationship therapy, family systems, attachment-focused work, and trauma-informed approaches. However, it does not currently have the same body of outcomes research as some longer-studied couples therapy models.

The Relational Life Foundation is currently conducting its first formal RLT outcomes study to evaluate the approach with couples receiving therapy in real-world clinical settings. In fact, some of our clients are participating in that research. 

When considering any form of couples therapy, it can be helpful to ask your therapist about their training, experience, approach, and how they decide what kind of treatment may be appropriate for you.

How long does Relational Life Therapy take?

There is no set number of sessions for RLT. How long couples therapy takes depends on many factors, including the concerns that brought you in, how long certain patterns have been present, each partner’s experiences and goals, and what you hope to change.

Your therapist can usually give you a better sense of what the work may look like after getting to know you and your relationship.

Can we do Relational Life Therapy online?

Yes. Nashville Psych offers couples therapy by secure video for couples located anywhere in Tennessee and any PSYPACT states, as well as in-person sessions in Nashville. For some couples, meeting online can make it easier to fit therapy into two people’s schedules while still allowing both partners to participate together.

What if only one of us wants to go to couples therapy?

It is not unusual for partners to have different levels of comfort with starting therapy. Sometimes a hesitant partner is willing to learn more about what couples therapy would involve before making a decision. Other times, one person may choose to begin individual therapy even if their partner is not ready to participate.

Individual therapy cannot replace couples therapy when the goal is to work directly on the relationship together, but changing how one person understands and responds to a longstanding pattern can still be meaningful.