Choosing Progress Over Perfection
We see it every day. A client is coming in to manage their anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, OCD, or other issues. They start to share their life-long challenges. This may include thoughts of failure, inadequacy and unworthiness, and feelings of shame. We then uncover a deep struggle with perfectionism, often beginning in childhood.
Striving for perfection is just one strategy that individuals unconsciously learn early on to avoid shame. Essentially, individuals that use this strategy think that, if they are perfect, they won’t experience shame. This may be obvious, but seeking perfection is doomed to fail because perfection doesn’t exist.
The good news is that there is hope. By focusing on progress over perfection, we can reduce suffering, grow, and improve our wellbeing.
Childhood & Perfectionism
Striving for perfection in childhood can be adaptive. The root cause might be a critical parent who exploded with anger when something didn’t go their way. The child adapts by doing everything in their power to prevent such an explosion. They feel safer when they act according to the wants and needs of their parent. They may also receive rewards from their parent for this good behavior. One parent’s version of “good” behavior is now a measuring stick for the child’s worthiness. They continue to seek validation in this way throughout their lives. They do this by looking for measuring sticks all around them. Even when they excel, they still feel defective and shameful. These individuals are wired to seek perfection and have internalized the voice of their critical parent. Being the most successful person in the room isn’t enough.
Measuring Yourself Against The Impossible
People with perfectionistic tendencies learn the wants and needs of those around them. They strive to meet and exceed expectations, hoping to avoid pain and feel a sense of worthiness. That’s a lot of pressure. The challenge here is that always getting it right is impossible. Humans are not perfect. We are three dimensional beings with many strengths and unavoidable weaknesses. Since perfection doesn’t exist, striving for it leads to failure, disappointment, and shame. By slowly shifting the focus from perfection to effort and progress, anxiety and shame can decrease. Instead, individuals can celebrate their personal efforts and growth.
Embracing Imperfection
Yes, humans are flawed, but we are also beautiful in our imperfection. One of our favorite children’s books, “Beautiful Oops,” illustrates this well. Spilled ink on a page is not a giant mistake. Rather, it’s an opportunity to transform a blank page into a beautiful new work of art. In the book, kids learn that mistakes do happen, but it’s not always a bad thing. In fact, sometimes mistakes can lead to unexpected and wonderful outcomes. This is essential learning for children. It’s also important for many adults who weren’t given this message in childhood.
8 Tips For Cultivating a Progress-Oriented Mindset
- Set realistic and achievable goals. Break them down into smaller, more manageable steps. It will feel less overwhelming.
- Celebrate effort. Tried your best? Hooray! Didn’t achieve everything you set out to? That’s ok because you tried and that’s a good starting point. This can be a daily and weekly practice.
- Celebrate improvement. Looking at how far you’ve come can lead to very comforting feelings. This might mean looking at how much you accomplished or have grown in the last 6 months or 5 years. Dedicating time and energy to acknowledge and celebrate forward movement is essential.
- Positive self-talk. The voices in our ears in childhood become our self-talk as adults. Accept that it came from an adaptive place. Acknowledge that it is no longer needed. Challenge automatic negative self-talk. Check out these self-compassion meditations from Kristin Neff.
- Learn from setbacks. Setbacks happen. Instead of being hard on yourself, view them as opportunities for learning and growth. Consider them stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks.
- Celebrate milestones. With continued forward movement comes milestones. These are incredibly important to celebrate. It can reinforce positive behaviors and motivate us to keep on growing.
- Recognize that it’s not a “perfect” process. This is a journey and it takes time. Try to be patient with yourself if you are feeling perfectionistic.
- Get outside help. While there are plenty of books on this subject for those who lack other resources, working with a therapist is ideal.
How Therapy Can Can Help Reduce Perfectionism
It’s worth noting that these perfectionistic patterns are difficult to break since they originated in childhood. Therapists can help guide individuals struggling with perfectionism toward a focus on progress. They can help clients navigate the process starting by identifying unhealthy core beliefs. Core beliefs, such as “If I’m not perfect, I’m inadequate,” or, “I can’t disappoint anyone,” influence how individuals think, feel, behave and perceive the world. These core beliefs will likely be revealed through examining early childhood experiences. Together, the therapist and client will explore how perfectionistic patterns formed. They will examine how they developed, how they show up now, and what changes are necessary to make improvements. Establishing a collaborative and empathetic relationship is fundamental to this process.
Therapeutic Approaches To Overcome Perfectionism
Therapists can employ various therapeutic modalities to support progress-oriented thinking. In psychodynamically-oriented therapy, the clinician uses a combination of approaches to guide clients toward change. In EMDR therapy, disturbing memories of early experiences can be resolved. Those memories are re-negotiated so the client can move toward more positive and accepting view of themselves. Some other popular and accessible approaches include cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques and mindfulness practices. The goal is to help clients identify and reframe negative thought patterns. Self-awareness, self-compassion, and self-acceptance are central to the success of such a shift. Methods such Narrative therapy can also be used to prioritize progress over perfection. What was once considered a personal failure may be seen as a lesson that led to great success. Reframing personal narratives can be very powerful.
The shift from perfection to progress offers tremendous potential for personal transformation. We see it over and over in the lives of our clients – and it continues to inspire and amaze us.
We invite you to reach out if you’d like more information or it’s something you’d like to explore together. Feel free to email us at clientcare@nashvillepsych.com or give us a call at (615) 582-2882.
