Everyday Traumas and Triggers: 5 Ways to Help Loved Ones
One of the truths in life is that everyone experiences emotional pain at some point. When people are hurt deeply, it leaves a spot that is extremely sensitive, just like a physical wound. When they are reminded of that pain, they react in a way that serves to protect themselves from reopening that emotional injury. Therefore, they are on high alert each time they encounter one of those cues. Over time, they avoid any situation, which may subtly remind them of the original injury, all the while being haunted by images, thoughts, feelings and memories of the original traumatic event.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a term that is reserved for individuals that meet a list of criteria that is characterized by intrusive memories, hyperarousal, negative alterations in mood and thought, and avoidance. Often individuals with PTSD have survived sexual abuse, war, natural disasters or serious accidents. However, some individuals not meeting the full criteria may still view that their experiences as children or adults have risen to the level that they would consider traumatic. That means that when they are reminded of that pain as adults, they have the potential to react in ways that may seem irrational to an outsider, who does not understand where they came from. Here are just a few examples of issues that may not result in PTSD per se, but could result in a trauma response:
Family and microtraumas
Imagine a father who mocks his children passive aggressively to relieve his frustration toward them. When one of his children mocks and derides her siblings out of frustration, a common reaction might be for a parent to redirect the child to more pro-social behavior. However, if the behavior continues, a parent may discipline the child by taking away privileges or banishing her to her room, which infuriates her and makes her feel invalidated. This may have the unintended consequence of the child learning that she cannot express frustration without consequences, and so she tries to avoid such expressions in her adult relationships. She hides much of her relationship dissatisfaction the majority of time. When she does express her frustration, her romantic partners withdraw from her, which invalidates her and she is triggered.
Infidelity
Consider an individual who had a spouse who had been unfaithful. In the next relationship, it would be reasonable for that individual to be hypervigilant about infidelity even if it seems illogical to the new relationship partner. Under this scenario, any time the new partner would venture out alone or with friends, the individual in his or her traumatized state may, for example, send a flurry of text messages to verify the partner’s whereabouts. The partner’s reaction may vary from instant compliance to outright defiance, depending on his or her own personal history, but eventually, I imagine that he or she would become frustrated, perceiving those messages as representative of lack of trust in the relationship. Ultimately, this frustration would create distance and disconnection.
Discrimination
Not only has epigenetics taught us that trauma is transmitted through DNA, but counseling psychologists have posited that the subtle discrimination that minorities face everyday is a form of trauma. Researchers have suggested that such microaggressions can be more harmful than overt aggression. Everyday microaggressions can act like small daggers that are constantly reopening wounds that run quite deep for minorities.
How to help others break free from a circular pattern of hurt
During a time of heightened emotionality, when people’s traumas are triggered, they can tend to react in seemingly irrational ways. Frequently, they can distance themselves from their relationships, or they may show contempt for the people in their lives, which results in distance. When hurt, sometimes people consciously or subconsciously want to injure another person so that they can understand and experience their own pain. In essence, what that really means is that they are yearning for connection and empathy. However, the actual result of their behavior is withdrawal and distance.
Once the triggering event has past, the traumatized person re-engages with the people in their life again, sometimes expressing remorse. If we were to understand what is happening from an attachment perspective, we consider that the traumatized person was actually feeling insecure or unsafe, but was not able to express that directly.
Below are some strategies that may be useful to consider when helping someone you love through a triggering situation. Note: These suggestions are in no way meant to be exhaustive nor are they meant to encourage a layman to provide therapy to an individual with PTSD. While these approaches are often used in therapy, if you suspect your loved has PTSD, you should seek an evaluation from a qualified mental health professional.
5 strategies for managing your relationship with someone who is frequently triggered:
Be curious
If you value your relationship, then you may wish to commit to coming from a place of curiosity. If you want to be heard, then pay it forward and take the time to hear someone who is suffering, even if you feel frustrated and your initial thought is that they are behaving irrationally or in a hurtful manner. Once you begin to engage with curiosity, you can learn to engage in conflicts while also maintaining a positive relationship with a friend, romantic partner or family member. Learn what triggers them, what causes them pain and try to avoid causing them pain. It is important to note that being curious does not mean prying. While much of what ultimately helps trauma survivors is exposure to the feared situation or object (the extent to which one is able to tell his or her story and sit in the discomfort), you must respect an individual’s right to be silent and disclose information on his or her own time because forcing them to disclose information when they are not ready can result in re-traumatization.
Be empathic and listen without judgment
In order to help another person regain that sense of safety with you, you must first decide that you want to engage meaningfully with that other person. This requires empathy, being truly willing to walk around in another’s shoes. That means that you cannot take the behavior of the other person personally, nor should you make negative judgments about their thoughts, feelings and behavior. You would want to view the person’s behavior toward you as their response to their own internal struggle, which most likely is a reflection of their past. Once you are committed to being empathic and less self-focused, you are in position to modify some of your relationship behaviors.
Maintain good boundaries
Setting and enforcing consistent interpersonal boundaries is one important thing to do with trauma survivors. While I said previously that it is important to be empathic, it is also important not to let them walk all over you. Boundaries actually make trauma survivors feel more secure knowing that things are predictable.
Help them to relax and cope
We all have different ways of relaxing and taking care of ourselves. While distraction is only a good short-term strategy, it can be very effective. Alternatively, you may want to engage their senses to ground them in their present experience. That means, take them to a flower garden or in nature, draw them a bath with nice smelling bath salts, play some soothing music or eat a tasty meal. Find out how your friend, partner or family member likes to relax and help them.
Seek professional help
Whether you are a person with PTSD or just someone who is frequently triggered by your current experiences or you are living with a person who has experienced trauma in their lives, it is often helpful to seek the support of a trusted mental health professional. If you are in the Nashville area and you would like to schedule an appointment, please do not hesitate to contact me at clientcare@nashvillepsych.com or 615-582-2882.
Take good care,
Dan
