How To Talk To Your Children After A School Shooting

We are devastated by the news of this morning’s school shootings at Covenant School in Nashville. Our hearts and prayers are with the families of the students, faculty, and staff impacted by this tragedy. Many of Nashville Psych’s team members are parents of young children – and this hits very close to home.  

Having conversations with your children after a tragedy is very important. However, it can be hard to know exactly what to say. Here are some tips to help guide you and make the process a little less daunting.

Take care of yourself first. 

Like on an airplane when parents are advised to put the oxygen mask on first before helping their children do the same, it’s really important that you check in with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you are experiencing prior to having any sort of conversation with your child. 

So much of how our children feel can be positively and/or negatively impacted by cues that we give them. If you are outwardly anxious, they will sense it – and it could make them feel more anxious or fearful. Ideally, you will have taken at least a few minutes to observe how you are feeling and give yourself the freedom to feel all of your emotions prior to speaking with your child. Taking a few deep breaths is always helpful. If you are feeling completely overwhelmed and feel like maybe not the best person to have the conversation, reach out to a trusted friend or therapist to help you navigate those difficult emotions. 

Give yourself a break. 

You do not need to say the perfect thing because the perfect thing doesn’t exist. You are doing the best that you can – and your best is good enough. You know your children better than anyone else. 

Ask your child how they are feeling. 

Then listen calmly and carefully. Just being there and listening calmly to their experience can help them feel more safe and secure.

Try not to over explain. 

You can start out by checking in to find out what they have already heard. If they ask a question, answer that question as matter-of-factly as possible and then stop and listen for any additional questions. If they don’t want to talk about it anymore, don’t force the issue. It will likely come up again and you can answer additional questions at that point. 

Try to stick to your normal routine. 

Keeping things moving as usual will create a less disruptive experience for everyone. 

Do your best to limit media exposure, for yourself and your children. 

At times like these, it’s natural to want more information. Many of us are seeking answers to why someone would do something like this. It can feel like the more we know about it, the more we can be prepared to prevent it from happening to us. However, frequent exposure to news of tragedies can have a negative impact on you and your children. For teenagers who may have more access to news, try asking them whether they think watching news about the tragedy is helping or hurting them. Let them think about it for themselves. 

Let them know that these events are extremely rare. 

If your child wants to know if they are safe, let them know that school shootings are quite rare – and the likelihood of it happening to them is incredibly low. Let them know about their particular school’s precautions and things they can do to prepare for the worst, even if it’s extremely unlikely to happen. 

Allow them to feel their feelings. 

If they are anxious, sad, scared, or angry, let them know that it’s perfectly normal. It is expected that they would experience a wide range of emotions. The goal is to invite your children to share these feelings, take time to feel these difficult feelings, and let them naturally fall away. Remind them that feelings are temporary, even the hardest ones. If you are feeling overwhelmed by their feelings, take a few minutes after your conversation to honor what’s going on for you. 

Looking for more? Here’s atip sheet from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network. 

Know when to seek help. 

If the difficult feelings persist for many days or weeks (for your or your children), it may be time to seek out the help of a mental health professional. The good news is that there are wonderful, effective approaches that can help. 

As always, we are here to help. If you have any questions or need some additional support, we encourage you to reach out toclientcare@nashvillepsych.comor (615) 582-2882.