Imperfect Parents Make Well-Adjusted Kids
Life changes dramatically when you become a parent. Parenting is one of the most rewarding, but also difficult, jobs on Earth. We want what’s best for our kids. We want to do a good job at raising them. However, trying to be a perfect parent is not only an impossible endeavor, but it can also cause unforeseen problems. By accepting our emotions, whatever they may be, and allowing ourselves to feel them rather than suppress them, we and our kids will be better off.
It’s OK to be frustrated.
Children can be very frustrating. It is totally natural to become frustrated by children’s behavior. If we are concentrating on something and our child comes up and asks us the same question ten times in a row, we may feel frustrated – and that’s normal. By judging the feeling while we are experiencing it, we can become even more frustrated. The best way to handle frustration is to take a moment to gather our thoughts and take a few deep breaths. Then, express in a calm and clear manner that “when you interrupt me, I feel frustrated.”
It’s OK to be angry.
Children can push buttons. It is a fact. For example, when our child draws on the coffee table, we naturally feel angry. But, we may have thoughts like “I shouldn’t be getting so upset with my child” or “I shouldn’t be taking this so personally.” Don’t “should” all over yourself. Accept the feeling, take a few deep belly breaths and say, “I feel angry when you draw on the coffee table. We only draw on paper.”
When we really examine how we feel when our children are not listening to us, it comes down to feeling powerless or helpless. We unconsciously defend against those feelings by puffing ourselves up and becoming angry. Unfortunately, the result of frustration directed toward a child can range from defiance to fear, shame and withdrawal. Our children, therefore, feel the same sense of powerlessness that we were trying to avoid ourselves.
It’s OK to be worried.
This can be especially hard for parents with children who struggle with ADHD. It seems to us parents that there is nothing we can do to motivate our children. I have observed parents’ coping strategies ranging from “riding their child” all the way through high school and even college to taking a hands-off approach and completely relying on stimulant medication. Parents may or may not realize that the voices we use to express our fears with our children are left permanently embedded in their children’s minds, and are heard throughout their lives. For example, in the case of a child with ADHD and a parent who is constantly monitoring their behavior, the adult child experiences constant vigilance and anxiety about completing tasks, and significant shame as they continue to procrastinate and fail to meet important deadlines.
It’s OK to be overwhelmed.
There is no perfect parent. There is no perfect child. We are all human beings. Additionally, we all have a lot on our plates. Don’t have it all together? You are certainly not alone. Just because we feel overwhelmed does not mean we are not doing a good job. By accepting that we do not have everything under control, we allow ourselves the freedom to be as we are and to let go of trying to control things that cannot be controlled.
It’s OK to be impatient.
From the time they are born, we want our children to be on the right track. We wonder if they will talk on time or meet other developmental milestones. One important thing to remember is that our children are not adults in small bodies. They are children who are still developing. I believe that one of the most important practices to implement in parenting is to notice when our expectations are not developmentally appropriate.
Research into cognitive development has demonstrated that minds form through a combination of nature and nurture. All individuals are unique, and so they differ in terms of strengths and weaknesses. For example, whereas one child may be capable of empathy at an early age, another may excel in verbal reasoning. It is important to meet your child where they are in their development in terms of your expectations. It is so easy to get ahead of them and it is also easy to put the blame on them when it is they who are seemingly falling behind. The next time you feel frustrated, angry, impatient or overwhelmed, ask yourself, “given everything that you know about your child and his/her age, are your current expectations reasonable?”
It’s OK to make mistakes.
We all do it. We lose our cool and say things we wish we hadn’t said. Thankfully, children are very resilient. Take a deep breath, apologize and make amends. Not only does this begin to show our children that we are not perfect, it models for them what to do when they get frustrated and act out about their unmet expectations of others.
If you continue to struggle with your child’s behavior, you might consider seeking the help of a mental health professional. It is important to fully understand the problem before getting treatment, which is why an evaluation is often a great first step. If you are in the Nashville area and would like to schedule an appointment for individual or family therapy, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Take good care,
Dan
