Prevent Depression By Breaking Free From A Pattern Of Perfectionism And Shame

We live in a society that often values productivity over relationships, and this value is promoted at every level. You can see evidence of this in our education system, where making sure our children get good grades and test scores is frequently prioritized over promoting a love of learning. It’s no wonder that many of us have self-esteems tied to performance. Often, when people are doing well at work, they feel more confident and content with themselves. On the other hand, when they perceive themselves as doing poorly, they feel guilty and potentially ashamed. Many individuals in our society feel like they need to accomplish things to continue to feel positive about themselves, and when they are not, they can become filled with shame and self-doubt.

The Problem with Perfectionism

As time passes, individuals chase achievements to experience momentary relief from insecurity, and meanwhile, these self-imposed standards steadily increase until a person can accept nothing less than perfection. The more accomplished a person is, the higher and more perfectionistic the standards are, and the more likely it is for them to become addicted to the relief that success brings. Such an individual never feels quite satisfied with themselves.  With perfectionism, a person’s inner critic finds little faults in every major accomplishment, which undermines a person’s sense of pride. The result is that even after achieving a major milestone, the joy and relief are so fleeting that within a day or so, they are thinking about what’s next.  In combination with high stress, perfectionism has been associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders and other mental health problems.

Accept shame?

Brene Brown is probably the most popular and widely recognized speaker on the topic of shame. Several years ago, she proposed that we confront our shame. As a society, we spend so much time avoiding it, but to no avail because it keeps rearing its ugly head. Therefore, why should we not accept that shame is a part of the human experience? It is well known that avoidance of anxiety over the long-term leads to an increase in anxiety. Therefore, the treatment of choice for many anxiety disorders is exposure. Similarly, avoiding shame leads to an increase in shame. Shame and feelings of worthlessness are common symptoms of depression. Proponents of relatively newer therapies, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and even more traditional approaches to therapy would argue that we are better off accepting and even being curious about shame than avoiding it.

Shame can serve a purpose

When we want to know more about emotional patterns, we often need to look to the past. As children, we receive a lot of both explicit and implicit messages about emotions. We learn which emotions are acceptable to feel and/or express, and which ones we should suppress and eventually disavow. For some males especially, and also for some females, shame is one of these often disavowed emotions, because it is akin to lowering oneself. In the animal kingdom, for example, when two wolves are fighting, and one lies on the ground belly-up and shows its neck, the fight is over. Similarly, when a father gets angry at his son and yells at him for making a mistake and the son is visibly ashamed, the father will be disarmed by the shame because he can plainly see that there is no more harm he could do to his son than his son is already doing to himself. Therefore, shame can be self-protective. It can be a way for individuals to bow out of a fight. It can also motivate people to work their hardest and make great achievements in their work, but this comes at an emotional cost.

Self-compassion can motivate too

While the self-defense mechanism above can be beneficial in that case, at other times, shame can be much less helpful. If that pattern continues, for example, when things are going less than perfectly, the shame becomes demotivating, even in the absence of an angry “other.” Decreased motivation is another symptom of depression. This is ironic because many people consider that shame is a great motivator. Many of my therapy clients imagine their inner critic to be either a “drill sergeant” or a “coach” screaming in their ear. Some even insist that this is the only way that they can accomplish things. I sometimes challenge these clients who are depressed to see their current state as similar to being down on the ground and their inner coach or drill sergeant kicking them in the gut. I suggest that this approach may not be so helpful. Ultimately, I work with my clients to recognize that they could still be motivated if they were hearing a kinder, gentler voice inside their heads. Within my own life, perfectionism and shame could have prevented me from risking professional and/or interpersonal failure, but during my professional journey to become a psychologist, I also embarked on a personal journey to increase self-compassion.

“Soften, Soothe & Allow” to prevent depression

Kristen Neff, a professor of psychology at UT-Austin, found support in her research for the notion that self-compassion is more correlated with long-term happiness than self-esteem. Whereas self-esteem is based on performance only, self-compassion is not tied to any outcome. She suggests that there are three key elements of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. In essence, when we are experiencing something emotionally painful, we should accept that it is difficult, support ourselves with kindness in the moment, and remember that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. I recommend Dr. Neff’s website frequently for her meditations focused on cultivating self-compassion. Soften, soothe, allow is one that I frequently recommend to clients for dealing with difficult emotions.

We all have to start somewhere

The main thing to recognize is that self-compassion is not a goal in itself, but rather a process, much like self-awareness or self-understanding. In fact, the more you try to use self-compassion to eliminate difficult experiences, the more you get stuck in your difficult experiences. I often wish that when I am sitting with individual therapy clients, I could take out my magic wand and make their pain resolve itself. However, sitting with their pain, supporting them and providing validation often achieves the same result. Self-compassion is being able to do that for ourselves. For those of you taking the time to read this, I encourage you to give it a shot.

If you are in the Nashville area and you desire the support of individual therapy, please do not hesitate to contact me at 615-582-2882 or clientcare@nashvillepsych.com.

Thanks for reading!

Take good care,

Dr. Dan